When The Whisper Becomes A Roar

 The path of a doomed marriage is not a straight descent down the gurgler.

Unless you have a perfect marriage that is destroyed in the blink of an eye (very rare), it often happens so subtly, over a long period of time with many distractions that cloud your hearts quiet questioning along the way. You may push aside your intuition, refuse to listen to the quiet whispers inside your heart and mind, put on a brave face and keep facing the world under the façade you have created.

You might think to yourself:

• This rough patch will pass
• He might change
• I can’t do that to the kids
• I’ll never survive financially
• I don’t want to be alone
• No one’s marriage is perfect 

You will try to tell yourself a myriad of reasons why you couldn’t possibly divorce your partner and to your logical mind they might all make sense. Only, the whispers won’t go away. Despite any logic that your mind tells your heart, the whispers continue. In fact, they get louder and louder, gathering momentum, day after day, disappointment after disappointment, missed moment after missed moment, year after year until one day you realise those pesky little whispers- they have become a roar you can no longer ignore.

And then you start contemplating a reality you are not yet sure you can live with.

You start to google 'how does marriage affect children', 'what is the best age for children to cope with divorce?', you start looking to other women who have left their marriages or who are now on their own- how are they coping? How are their children coping? Are they okay? Did their lives completely de-rail? Are their children now on drugs and in prison?!

Or worse, are they sad forever?

For these women, the crossroads come when they decide that their happiness and the happiness of their children now depend on them taking action instead of not taking action. Now, instead of thinking 'I could never leave because of the kids', they have a deep sense of knowing 'I have to leave because of the kids'. 

They realise that this marriage is no longer viable, no longer healthy for anyone, especially the children, and they grieve that like you wouldn’t believe. The loss of that dream, for the future that they no longer have, that their children no longer have, is such a profound loss. And these women often work through that loss before they have even voiced out loud that their marriage is over. To anyone, including their husbands. They walk with their hearts long before they walk with their feet.

And it is the loneliest stage of the journey, by far.

Sometimes, it is the man that goes through this shift and the woman may or may not want the marriage to end. Whichever party began to pull away first, it does not matter. The fact remains. This marriage has come to an end. These two people are no longer ‘each other's person’. No amount of wishing it wasn’t so, or couples counselling, or trial separations, or ‘one last chance’ will change the facts.

It is a matter of the heart, and the heart knows. That whisper that became a roar, that is your soul, your authentic self, the best version of yourself that your soul knows is buried deep and doesn’t want to be buried any longer. In fact, it simply can’t be buried any longer and it refuses to.

The beautiful thing is, once you are given no choice but to listen to the whisper that has become the roar, it is actually one of life’s biggest blessings. It is the beginning of the journey back to yourself, a ticket to rediscover who you are, what you stand for and what you want out of this crazy, beautiful, complicated life. It is a second chance, a chance to learn how to trust yourself again, trust your intuition.

Because deep down you know.

You always know, you just need to listen to your heart, and you know the answer.

Sending you so much love,

Skye Xx